


Meat Bicycle Built For Two

by katling



Series: Zer0 Sum Game [3]
Category: Borderlands
Genre: Fluff, M/M, a little bit of groping, mention of a blow job, they barely get past first base
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 13:09:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5376347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katling/pseuds/katling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One by one the others find out and this how that happens and how they react.</p>
<p>Obviously it's probably important to read You've Been Watching Me and Different before this one for it to make sense.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Meat Bicycle Built For Two

Axton wasn’t exactly surprised that it took a while for the others to notice that something had changed between him and Zer0. He wouldn’t exactly call them oblivious but they could be kind of clueless at times. He wondered if it was a vault hunter thing, based on the slightly high school romance nature of whatever was going on between Roland and Lilith. Good at shooting things, bad at matters of the heart. Not that he’d entirely exclude himself from that category. The way his marriage had crashed and burned did sort of count.

He _was_ surprised that it was Krieg who noticed first. Or at least it was Krieg who commented first. The psycho pointed at both of them, his eyes alight with a kind of crazed glee that made Axton both amused and slightly nervous.

“You’re on a _meat bicycle_ built for _two_!” the psycho bellowed, waving his axe around his head almost cheerfully.

“Yeah, thanks, Krieg,” Axton said with a chuckle as he patted the psycho’s arm. “Though we haven’t quite got round to the meat bicycle bit.”

He looked around in time to see Zer0’s helmet cycle through !!!, [O][O], //////, ;-) then <3 and he chuckled. 

“Don’t worry,” Krieg said almost ominously, drawing his attention back. The huge psycho leaned in with an air of menacing amiability. “It’s a _good_ touch.” 

He then bounded away to trail happily behind Maya and Axton gave a sigh of relief. He dropped back to walk alongside Zer0 and mimed wiping his forehead.

“You know, he’s great in a fight and I kind of like his crazy ass but sometimes I wonder if he’s going to slit our throats one night and bathe in our blood.” He grinned at the undignified snort of laughter that came from behind the sniper’s faceplate and nudged him in the side. “You can’t tell me you haven’t thought the same.”

“A crazed lunatic/But one with a leash somewhere/Maybe deep inside.”

Axton cocked his head slightly. “You too, huh?” When Zero flashed a ??? at him, he continued. “You also think there’s more going on in that crazy head of his than seems obvious on the surface? I’ve always figured there is. Has to be really or he’d have killed us all long ago.”

“There are hidden depths/To our crazy psycho friend/That’s why we like him.”

“Got that right.” Axton chuckled. “And I’m going to hold it over everyone else’s head that the crazy psycho figured it out about us before any of them.”

He saw the ///// appear on Zer0’s helmet and grinned. He liked that he could make the sniper metaphorically blush.

“Us. We. I like this/But I am not used to it/You will be patient?”

Axton bumped his shoulder against Zer0’s arm lightly. “Hey, you bet, Zee. There’s no hard and fast rules when it comes to relationships. You just make ‘em up as you go along. So we’ll figure it out together.”

Once again, he got ///// but it was followed by <3 then he seemed to hesitate and :D appeared on his helmet, quickly followed by 8===D. Axton gaped it for a moment then he roared with laughter and wrapped an arm around Zer0’s shoulders as best as he could with their height difference.

“First haiku and now emoticons. Man, I never thought you’d make dick jokes at me.”

“What’s going on?” Maya said, turning and shooting them an irritable glare. Axton didn’t take it personally. Maya was still pissed because she’d accidentally trashed the technical, forcing them to walk to the nearest Catch-A-Ride. “What’s so funny?”

“Zer0’s making dick jokes,” Axton said as innocently as he could manage, struggling to control his grin at the low snort of laughter he heard from the man in question.

Maya rolled her eyes at them and stalked away, Krieg in her wake. Axton chuckled and nudged Zer0 and they quickly caught up with her.

******

Mordecai was actually the next one to figure it out but Axton figured he didn’t count because a) he wasn’t in their group and b) he’d walked in on them in the storage room while he’d been giving Zer0 another blowjob.

Mordecai hadn’t said a word, just turned on his heel and walked out muttering something about how it had been bad enough putting up with Roland and Lilith and now he had to deal with this?

They _had_ found another bottle of Mordecai’s good booze on the table in Zer0’s room that evening though, so they figured he wasn’t all that put out.

*******

Salvador was the next to figure it out as Axton found out when the chunky man sidled up to him and punched him lightly in the side. It was definitely lightly because it barely hurt. Which was new. Salvador’s friendly punches usually left bruises.

“So, amigo, you and the Zer0, bumping uglies.”

“Suddenly I feel like I’m back in high school,” Axton said dryly. “But yes, in a manner of speaking.”

“Cool.” The gunzerker grinned. “So? Which of us won, amigo? Figger he ain’t an android which rules the senorita out. So, cyborg, mutilated or alien?”

Axton rolled his eyes. “Alien.”

“Guess I owe you a hunnerd.”

Axton held his hand out. “Guess you do.”

Salvador slapped a hundred dollars into his hand then smacked him on the back hard enough to send him staggering forward and that was that. The gunzerker tipped him a salute then wandered off, leaving Axton a hundred bucks richer and just slightly nonplussed.

******

Maya, thankfully, was not the last one to figure it out because Axton was sure there’d have been no living with her if she had been. Technically she should have been ruled out like Mordecai since she walked in on them but she was one of them and also a siren. Thus, scary. And not to be ruled out on technicalities.

He hadn’t actually heard her come in to the room. He’d thought she and Salvador and Gaige and Krieg were still out so he and Zer0 had been in the little dingy common room that was at the end of the corridor where all their bedrooms were. They been drinking and talking mostly but then he’d climbed into Zer0’s lap and things had changed pretty quickly.

They hadn’t gotten too far when she walked in. Axton’s jacket was somewhere on the floor and his t-shirt was rucked up because Zer0 had one hand underneath, running his fingers through his chest hair. The sniper’s other hand was brushing those fluttering little caresses over his face as Axton rested his forehead against his faceplate and the commando had been rocking his hips gently, trying to get some friction on his hardening erection, while he fumbled with the catches of Zer0’s suit.

Then had come the slightly scandalised screech of “Holy fucking shit!” and they’d both stilled.

“Uh… hi, Maya,” Axton said, shifting back a little and giving the siren a quick grin over his shoulder. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Zer0’s faceplate showing /////. He cocked an eyebrow at Zer0 and when he nodded, he continued, “This… uh… this _is_ what it looks like.”

His grin widened at the tiny snort of amusement from Zer0 and then widened a little more when Maya laughed. Then her eyes narrowed and he felt just a tad apprehensive.

“So I’m guessing you’re not an android then, Zer0?”

There was a level of dry amusement in Zer0’s tone that they rarely heard when he replied, “I bleed, eat and drink/I’d have thought that obvious/But you’re not the first.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Maya waved that away then fixed them with a _look_. “Okay, first… this? Very hot. But second, if you two have sex on the sofa, I will not be held responsible for what happens. We _all_ have to use that sofa. Including me. And Krieg. And Salvador.”

Axton pondered that for a moment then scrambled to his feet, hoping Maya wouldn’t notice the very obvious bulge in his pants. A lost cause given the way her eyes flickered down almost immediately resulting in a smirk growing on her face.

“You know, you’re right. Very right. And when you’re right, you’re right.”

He only stopped babbling because Zer0 clamped his hand over his mouth, a :D prominently displayed on his helmet.

“We’ll take this elsewhere/Just don’t come looking for us/We’ll be all naked.”

Axton let Zer0 drag him out of the room, making sure he had a shit-eating grin on his face for Maya’s benefit. As the door closed behind them, he saw the siren shake her head and laugh.

******

As it turned out, Gaige was the last one to figure it out and boy, was she pissed. She short-sheeted their bed for a week before they presented her with a really nice SMG and a rocket launcher then she forgave them.

She did make them join Tiny Tina for a tea party in order to tell her. Axton wasn’t sure if the little girl had actually grasped what they were saying until it was time to leave. That was when Tina swarmed up into his arms and kissed him on the cheek before doing the same to Zer0. She climbed down and told them very seriously to be good to each other because Pandora was mean and sometimes took things away.

She then skipped off, singing a nonsense song about explosions and squishy things, and the three of them left very soberly.


End file.
